1 year ago today was the last
day I saw my mother alive. I never
thought I’d say goodbye so soon.
In all the days leading up to her
death in the ICU, when she was conscious, she would never watch me walk out
the door. I thought it was odd. I’d walk all the way to the other side of the
ICU to the door and look back and her eyes were someplace else– until the day
before her passing.
It had been approximately 3 weeks
in ICU. March 16, 2011 was like any
other day at the hospital. I came to
visit her once again on my lunch hour and I did all the talking of course as
she couldn’t speak. I kept telling her
to fight and she would mouth the words that she was trying. She was interested in everything I said as I
talked about the kids and what I felt was the “boring” stuff, but she listened
intently. The time for our visit was up and I had to
go back to work. I kissed her goodbye on
the cheek and walked out the door. As I
turned back to look as I always did, she was actually watching me leave. I waved and blew a kiss. Looking back on it now, I’m pretty sure she
knew her time was short, but any novice to the medical field wouldn’t know
otherwise. Mom worked in the medical field – she knew – she knew she was
in trouble and fighting for her life.
She lost her life’s fight a day later on March 17, 2011, but won a new life in the
kingdom of heaven.
Forgiveness:
My mother spent most of my adult
life after she became sober trying to make up for all the wrongs she had caused in my life, including
her not protecting me when I was a child/teenager from my abusing stepfather. I had
been angry at her off and on as I grew older and had my own kids.
How could a mother allow her daughter to be sexually abused for 12
years?! She chose alcohol over me most of my childhood. As you would imagine, we had our
ups and downs, but healing was really happening in my relationship with
her. It was only when I started to let
go of the anger, healing really started to set in. I had every right to be angry, but it wasn’t doing
me any good. The anger started to
subside and forgiveness started making its way into my life and my relationship
with my mother started changing in a good way.
She often said she knew there would be days that I’d be so angry at her,
that I may not want anything to do with her. I had many of those days and she took all my
anger knowing it was her's to bear. She
was patient - never expecting forgiveness, but praying it would happen one
day. That “one day” was March 17,
2011. Hours before her death, I told her
I forgave her for not being the mother she needed to be for me, but thanking
her for trying to be the one she knew she needed to be when I was an adult.
What she suffered in the last 20
days of her life, more than made up for the wrong she ever did in her
life.
Everyone walks their own journey of healing from abuse, and the timing of when or if you want to forgive someone who has harmed you is clearly up to you and yours to give - you hold the power of forgiveness. Sometimes we hold onto that power because we were powerless at one point in our life ... If you are struggling with forgiveness, I've been there. It's not something that you have to do - it's your choice. It's not something that comes easy, but it's something that you eventually need to do for you. It's really all on you and if you want to be free. It doesn't mean you forget - you are letting go of the hold it had on you. I get that if you were horribly harmed, you deserve by all rights to be angry. At what cost though are you wiling to keep it? Holding on to anger, resentment, and all that garbage only damages you NOT the person who did the harm - trust me, I know this! If you want to be set free and find joy and peace, I encourage you with all my heart. You'll know when it's time. When you've had enough and feel empty and unhappy and it's eating you inside, then it's time... think of it as more of a selfceare for yourself. YOU deserve to be happy, joyful and free! If you are struggling, this is a great music video: Forgiveness I encourage you to watch it.
