I attended a Darkness to Light: “Stewards of Children" Child Sex Abuse Prevention Training session last night sponsored by my friends at OAASIS. My friend, Randy Ellison was the trainer. The training was great and full of information that impacted the entire audience. I took away so much, but there were a few things that I connected with that hit me personally hard as a survivor: 1) that most child survivors of sex abuse give hints/clues that they are being abused at least 7 times; and 2) more likely than not, the first time a child is confronted with the question if they have been or are being abused the child will say “no.” This made me reflect on my own personal story, and what “tells” I may have been giving that no one was paying attention to.
Randy also shared with us a survivor story of former Miss America, Marilyn Van Derbur. He shared a small excerpt of her story where when she was 9 years old, she thought that the abuse she was suffering would finally end as her mom was so very close to finding out that her dad was sexually abusing her in her bedroom. During the night, her mother’s footsteps came closer and closer, down the stairs to Marilyn’s bedroom, paused and then went back up the stairs. She thought finally it was her chance for the secret to be revealed - and then it was gone. She felt no one would save her now...
I relate so much to this story, but my hope to be saved was more blatantly ignored. My mother had been an alcoholic my entire childhood and finally sobered up when I was 12. I remember this one particular fall day I’d come home from school and she asked me to come into the living room. She sat me down and had this look on her face that I still cannot describe. I felt my stomach turn into a knot and my face flush and on fire. I knew what she was going to ask next. She told me she found a drawer full of polaroid pictures of a naked little girl that looked like me. She then asked me if my stepfather was abusing me. I knew this was my chance to finally tell the secret and I struggled for the right answer. Shame took hold, as did fear - I denied it. I was screaming inside. I was desperately hoping that she wouldn’t believe me and see through my lie. That perhaps now she would start paying attention or do something so drastic as to kick him out. That never happened. My abuse continued for 4 more years even after their was clear proof …
Denial is ugly. When you suspect a child is being abused, tell someone. If the child denies it, keep asking. If they disclose, keep calm and stay strong. Tell them you believe them, it’s not their fault and that they are not alone.
