Handprint of a Little Girl

I was in kindergarten and was so happy with the mother’s day gift I made my mom in class.  It was simply my handprint made from white paint on black paper.  In white writing below the handprint it said:

“Here is my hand
So tiny, so small
For you to place
Upon the wall
For you to watch
As years go by
How we do grow
My hand and I”

I had never been more proud of any piece of artwork before.  It was artwork that meant something more to me than anyone’s eye could see.  It was made from the heart of a sexually abused little girl.  It meant two things for me.  One, that I loved my mother and wanted to make her happy on Mother’s Day; and two, I was hoping by her hanging this artwork on the wall, she would actually start paying attention and “watch” me grow and figure out that something awful was happening to me almost every night since I was 4 years old – that I was being sexually abused by my step-monster. 

My hope dwindled, as she never caught on – never paid attention to the signs.  As I got older, and with every passing year, I hated that handprint and what it represented – a hope that was lost.  As I got older, shame set in and I didn’t want anyone knowing.  I was alone, alone with an ugly secret that I carried for many, many more years. 

As an adult, I have since learned that survivors of childhood sexual abuse suffer from triggers.  Triggers are something that cause flashbacks, anxiety, and other symptoms for the survivor of child abuse.  I am still learning mine, but one I never thought would be a trigger is a picture of handprints.  I am immediately propelled back to that day in kindergarten where I had such hope that this artwork would make my mom pay attention to me, and the deep sorrow I felt when she did not.   

I wrote about this because I saw handprints today and had a “trigger” moment.  I will never forget that day, those emotions, those feelings I had.  So I wanted to write down what I thought as a little girl when the handprints entered my life.  I also thought it useful for others to weigh in on this topic to comfort me and perhaps others – that we are not alone in dealing with this issue.