Overthrowing Childhood Pain

As most of you know, I’ve been on a mission to not only heal children who have experienced trauma from child abuse, but also to heal my own childhood pain in a manner that I feel is the most healthy way for me.  Little by little, I tackle the things that used to cause me great pain and I turn them into something positive.  Suffering over 12 years of childhood sexual abuse, I have a long list.  The good news is that I’m crossing things off of my list, slowly, but always moving forward - baby steps if you will, but always progressing.  

My most recent attempt to overthrow my childhood pain was in my quest to purchase a doll from 1975 - Holly Hobbie’s friend, Heather.  I have looked off and on for this particular doll for a while now and last week, I finally found a version of her that was in good condition.  It’s not that I’m into doll collecting or in need of any dolls for that matter, but my whole quest is about what this particular doll represents for me and my child self.  Having her again would help heal unresolved hurts and help me come to terms with it.  It may also allow me to be comfortable in the life and with the me I have created post-abused Lee Ann.  

When I was 5, I wanted this doll more than I ever wanted anything.  To this day, I remember that feeling and nothing has ever compared.  I’m not certain why this doll appealed to me so much but she did.  When I opened her up on Christmas morning I was in shock.  I didn’t think I would ever get anything so amazing and certainly not get anything I truly wanted, but there she was in all her glory  It’s was not only a spectacular feeing, but a spectacular site too!  She was almost as tall as me!  I loved this doll.  She was precious, cute and huggable.  Much like I must have been at 5.  My doll friend saw the worst of my childhood - the unimaginable.  She was there with me through it all from pretty much the beginning to almost the end. 

So the day finally came and I received her in the mail yesterday.  It wasn’t easy to get myself to this point, but here I am.  My courage and bravery in action.  My husband, Chris, took a video of this personal moment that I’m not quite ready to share, so for now, I’ll try to use my words to describe this moment.  

How I felt physically took me by surprise.  I didn’t think my body would be effected this much, but my entire body was weak and I had a knot in my stomach.  I was full of so many emotions and I was so nervous.  In many ways, I felt a little nauseated.  I kept reminding myself to breath.  I’m confident all of this was a direct reaction to knowing I was unlocking a part of my childhood I’d mentally locked up in a nice box and I was about to open it.  Because of my physical reaction, I started questioning if I was prepared to deal with the feelings I would unlock through this doll.  But I’d come this far, I knew I was ready.  I opened the box.  Pulled out all the paper and I could see her through the plastic.  I had to take a second to breath again and I pulled her completely from the box.  I started to cry as emotions flooded me - wasn’t prepared for that!  I collected myself and unwrapped her from the plastic.  I was speechless and just starred at her.  She was just as I remember and It all came flooding back … The good, the ugly - all of it.  Such a strange thing to even articulate.  

I’m still a bit overwhelmed by it all a day later, but I’m happy to say I’m doing well.  She’s been hanging out in the living room over the last day so I can get used to the thought of her and all that she represents of my child self.  I’m now ready to place her in my craft room to hang out while I am being creative and open.  While I open myself to creativity as a healing tool, having something that represents my childhood in such a big way, helps me heal all the more.  What more amazing to me is that this room I created for myself is not only a craft room, but a healing room.  Benny Bunny is there with me too and loves it when I am in there creating and playing music.  My story about Benny and what he represents can be found here: http://leeannmead-sparksofhope.blogspot.com/2014/10/i-never-cried-i-shoved-but-tears-still.html  

My healing, my way is turning out to be pretty remarkable.  #Healthy #Healing #ProudOfMe 

Inspiring Creativity - Allowing My Child Self To Come Out & Play

I’ve done it!  Perhaps it’s baby steps, but I’ve done it and will continue to do so to maintain “my healthy.”  What is it I’ve done you may ask?  I’m following through with what I train and preach to our volunteers and kiddos about abuse survivors needing a creative outlet.  I’ve poured myself into building my organization for years.  I’ve not really done much creating other than writing, though writing is good, there are other important healing avenues that can tap into the one thing us survivors tend to burry - our child selves.  I’m talking about creating something from nothing.  Inspiring my creative self (our child selves) to come out and play.  It's empowering and so healthy!

Since mid-December, I was on a mission to create a craft room.  It seems like a simple task, or so I thought, but tapping into that creative part of me is hard.  Much harder than I thought - tapping into a little girl’s creativity that she’s tried so hard to burry.  I really had no idea what creating something like this would look like, but slowly, with the help and encouragement of my loving husband, we’ve been adding things to make a “creative craft haven” for me.  

One of the people that really kept me focused and determined is my Little Buddy, Haley from Sparks of Hope Healing Camp.  She’s been cheering me on telling me she can’t wait to get one of my creations from my “craft room haven.”  I made this chalkboard pillow for her.  I’ve not sewed anything for 26 years.  It felt pretty darn good. Nor have I made something like an appliqué - which I might add was not an easy task for someone who hasn’t been crafting in many, many years.  I am proud of me and cannot wait to give her my first creation of many.  

Front of Pillow!

Backside of Pillow!

My not so little helper, Milly!