I Learned My Worth Praying For Rats To Leave

I was 6 years old and I had been praying for months for God to make the rats go away that were keeping me awake most every night.  Rats had settled into the walls of my rundown home to keep warm during the winter.  They were running around in the walls, and gnawing and scratching the wood in the built-in drawers that were above my head where I slept.  The rats terrified me to the point of having sleep deprivation.  Their clawing and chewing was so loud.  I often imagined they would chew through the walls and then bite and chew on me.  

There are many people that have different ideas of religion, God, faith or a higher power.  It’s not my place to judge who or what you believe in, but for me, I know there is a God.  A God that showed himself to me at the age of 6, and has continually shown himself to me throughout my life.  As a child, I knew of him, would even pray to him, but I didn’t really know him.  I soon learned who he was when I began praying for rats to leave.

My grandmothers on my dad and mom’s side talked of God often.  Quite a few times in my childhood I would stay with my Grandma Ernie (my mom’s mom) because my mom had demons of her own, for one reason or another, wasn’t capable of taking care of me because she was hospitalized multiple times in my childhood with alcohol poisoning and a bunch of other things - drinking herself to death was her plan.  My grandmother made it a point to pray with me every night before bed.  While praying with her, I would pray for the usual stuff that little kids do and would pray for God to bless everyone in the whole world until she had to finally cut me off at the 50^th person I had asked God to bless.  She was very patient though, and I think she appreciated that I wanted to help heal the world at such a young age, but she said God was very busy and I really needed to focus more on the people that were closer to home like family and things that really mattered to me.  

One particular winter evening, the rats were especially active.  I was so exhausted – I felt sick – I needed sleep.  I decided that I would pray to my Grandmother's God about the rat problem.  This was the very first time I prayed by myself.  I thought, what did I have to lose?  The first night I prayed - no rats came!  As with the second, third and fourth nights – months had gone by without the sound of the rats, and I could generally sleep through the night!  All I had to do was pray and the rats were somehow held at bay.  I would pray diligently each and every night for 6 months straight.  However, one particular night I decided to test the "God" theory.  I started to think that maybe the rats just left on their own and that God had nothing to do with it.  Why would God care about me - a little abused girl and her rat problem?  After all, bad things were happening to me all the time.  My stepfather had been sexually abusing me for over two years at this point in my life most every day and night.  I was used to the bad.  Maybe the rats leaving was a coincidence?  So I went to sleep without praying - determined to believe that no one cared about me or my rat problem, not even God.  That night, I woke up to the rats crawling through the walls, and the familiar sound of gnawing and chewing of wood.  It was on that particular night I knew God was there and must be listening – even to a 6 year old little girl who had no reason to believe in goodness. 

As I recount this part of my life as an adult,  I see things so differently.  I am more aware how bad and unworthy I must have felt about myself to never have asked God to intervene on my behalf about the abuse I was suffering, just as I had asked him to make the rats to go away, I didn’t feel that I deserved to ask God to keep my stepfather from sexually abusing me.  I was too ashamed to ask for his help.  Shame from sexual abuse does so much damage.  I felt guilt and shame because it must have been my fault that my stepfather was abusing me because I was bad – I was bad for causing him to do that to me.  I struggled with the thought that I was unworthy of protection from God or anyone.  I was on my own.  That guilt and shame stayed with me for many years, as did feeling broken, unworthy, unloveable, and damaged goods.  I became bitter and angry at God and that hurt a lot.  I didn't like myself too much.  

Despite my anger, I always felt him pulling at me.  He loved me even in my anger and right were I was at.  I learned that I am worthy, that God cared enough about me when I was 6 years old to make the rats go away when I had requested in a hopeful prayer, and that the abuse I suffered as a child was not my fault.  I have learned that God is a pain taker.  I am beautifully and wonderfully made for a purpose.  Sometimes bad things happen to good people.  God does answer prayers, but free will is an interesting thing - you can either choose to do ugly things with your life or be loving.  Unfortunately for me, I was living with a man who chose to do ugly things to me.  My abuser did horrific things to me as a child and teenager - he stole my innocence.  I  may have even felt I deserved it at the time, but God is helping me take that pain away and turn the ugliness I experienced into goodness. - his grace is overflowing.  He can take the ugly and bad and turn it into something beautiful if I allow him to - and I did.  Helping kids find their voice, their courage and their healing has meant everything to me.  That is where  my redemption comes from.  He is a chain breaker.  I have always deserved to be free of shame and guilt.  I am worthy of happiness and love. 

I know firsthand a beautiful song can rise from the ashes of a broken life.  Some of you out there reading this blog may need this song today.  If you are worn, he will lift you up.  With hope, faith and love.  ~ Lee Ann
http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=0FJC2JNU