Changed

I am forever changed by the courageous kids we helped over the last two weeks.  Tears were streaming down my face while I was leaving camp yesterday afternoon.  What’s it going to be like to go back to “real life”?  Camp life is so much different.  It’s the safest place I have ever been - you can be you, free to share your innermost thoughts where there is judgment.  I felt sick to my stomach as thoughts raced through my head … did I in fact make a difference in my little buddy’s life this week?  Did she really know how beautiful she was. Will she ever see the beauty in herself that everyone else sees?  Did she know how wonderful she is and that she can do anything she puts her mind to? 

I struggled more than anyone knew.  This time was different. I’m a leader, a director and a founder.  I should be solid, right?  I should have this down.  I teach this stuff … But, If I’m being honest, I didn’t feel at all confident.  I was vulnerable and raw.  I wouldn’t allow myself a break.  I had to keep working hard so she’d see - see she was worthy of being happy, worthy of loving herself and letting people into that sacred place that was holding the real her.  I wanted her to stop hating herself for having to put him in prison.  It wasn't her fault. None if it was and it’s not fair that she has to bear that burden.  No child should. 

The rawest part for me was that I saw my child self in her. I hadn’t faced that before.  I was cheering for her to believe - to just believe in herself, stop listening to the lies and not give up so easily.  That she really CAN do what ever she puts her mind to.  I saw the inner conflict in her eyes on the High Ropes Challenge Course this week.  She was terrified and didn’t believe in herself.  I saw it on her face - she was buying into those ugly lies survivors tell themselves.  She wanted to do this, but also wanted to quit at every turn.  I wouldn’t allow her to go there in her head.   I had to help her believe she had this, and could do it.  I pushed my limits showing her this.  I must have showed her each transition 3 times to make her see she was safe, would be ok and she could do this task - I was physically exhausted by the end and emotionally spent.  It was the most beautiful and exhausting experience.  We both were quiet and a little withdrawn after that challenge was completed.  It seemed to me she was in shock she actually finished it and wasn’t allowing herself the joy of her accomplishment until quite a while later.  I was so proud of her though - more than I think she knew. 

When I finally returned home I had to see what she (my little buddy) wrote.  It was on my mind the entire time.  I took off my signed camp shirt and started scanning it for the most important signature … her signature … there it was … and I was in tears all over again.  She was “going to miss me” with not just 1 but 3 exclamation marks!!!  All is well in my world today.  I am being missed by my hero and the most amazing and brave little girl I’ve ever met.

This work is difficult and it takes special people that are willing to be present on the battlefield with these kids; to roll up their sleeves and do this very challenging work - an incredible soul with a heart to do the tough stuff.  And when I say "challenging" and "tough" it means willing to bear witness to great pain and joy.  To have your heart ripped open, exposed and raw and just be there to help heal these kids.  I am so proud of our warriors/volunteers (I now call my dear friends) who were so willing to offer help and healing - so very proud indeed.